I don’t know if anger is ever useful, but it definitely is useless right now.
I’m in a bind. I’ve had a wonderful one-night stand with a girl almost a month ago. We had a great time together. However, I’ve not heard from her since our encounter. This saddens me immensely. Now, one of the options before me would be to give in to anger. Should I do this? I don’t think so. I’m going to explain why.
I’ve written about my meeting with this girl here. That article is restricted reading. Subscribe if you want to read it.
I’ve said it before, and I’m going to say it again, the relationships I’ve had after my divorce have been challenging, but they also have been opportunities for growth. I’ve discussed it a bit in this piece:
I find myself now again in a situation that, much against my will, is an opportunity for growth. This time around, the focus of my growth is anger.
As I mentioned above, I’ve had a wonderful encounter with a girl, and then… nothing. Here’s what I know. She hasn’t blocked me. I would know. On some platforms, it is impossible to know whether someone blocked you, but here, I am able to know. She hasn’t been active on the dating apps. Again, I would know if she had. She just hasn’t responded to my messages.
This girl is autistic. She also has some mental conditions, other than autism. She’s had a difficult past. All par for the course.
So what happened?
At the end of our encounter, a crisis surfaced at home. I’ll note here that “home” is several states away. So… what happened?
Did the crisis turn to tragedy?
Did she travel to be with her family?
Did she start having suicidal ideations?
Did she start self-harming?
Did she start abusing substances?
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Lest you think I’m being dramatic here with my last few points, I’ve had experience with these happening in partners. My approach when someone reports those issues is not to shame, but to listen patiently. Unfortunately, my girl knows nothing of this attitude of mine. She could have easily assumed that, like most people in this world, I’d get angry at her, and berate her if she reported suicidal ideations and the like.
Our relationship had just begun…
What is the impact of this on me? I am definitely sad, but I don’t think I should let anger grip me. I am convinced that in this case, anger would be useless, and most likely counterproductive. What would happen if I got angry at her? It would not make her want to be back with me. Even if, by some miracle, it would make her want to be back with me, I do not want someone who wants to be with me just out of fear.
I’d be a liar if I said that anger did not strut her stuff right in front of me, enticing me to follow her. Still, I did not give in. I can clearly feel that giving in would feel good. “After I gave her everything! How dare she?” It would feel good to wallow in self-righteousness. Anger could even put on a little play in my head. In this play, I’d be the hero, she’d be the villain, and I’d be getting sweet revenge. It would feel so good.
As seductive as anger can be, I cannot follow her. There is literally nothing to gain from it. It will not bring my girl back, or bring her back faster. Actually, there is very little I can do that would prompt her to come back. I cannot send her flowers, but even if I could, there’s no guarantee that those flowers would be well received.
If she does come back to me, we will have to have a heart-to-heart. I am patient. I am kind. However, I’m no saint. There’s only so much I can take.
From the case at hand here, I infer that anger, generally speaking, is a useless emotion. Anger is a reaction that appears in the face of powerlessness. Something happened that one is unable to easily rectify. So anger comes in, seeking revenge.
Can anger ever be useful? I’m not sure. Maybe there is a certain type of anger that can serve as a signpost. For instance, if someone feels anger at social injustice, this anger can be an indicator that this person should be more active at countering this injustice.
Perhaps, it can be useful, but only as a sign post. Notice it, and then let it go. Holding onto our anger is not fruitful.
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