Why Are Autistic Folks Generally Tolerant?

I do have a simple theory.

My theory is that it is because we don’t generally believe in arbitrary social conventions. Those very same conventions usually do not serve us, autistic folks, well. Once the social conventions that oppress us daily are seen as arbitrary, it does not take much to realize that most other social conventions are arbitrary too.

Here are some of the quirks that cause friction between me and society. On any ordinary day, I need two naps per day to function. Their timing is not stable. I do not know of any office that would tolerate this.

How about my dislike of phone calls? It is not that I cannot make a phone call, but I will do everything to avoid making a call. I’ll send emails. I’ll text, but I won’t call if I can help it.

How about stimming? I’m lucky that most of my stims can be explained away. However, some of us are more effusive with our stims. Neurotypicals tend to find these more effusive stims annoying.

How about the verbal shutdowns, the meltdowns, the burnouts that we experience? “Why don’t you answer me when I talk to you!” That’s because I cannot!

There are tons of social conventions that do not serve us, autistic folks, well. To us, these conventions seem to be completely arbitrary. Why should I not be able to take a nap? Or email? Or stim? Or experience a verbal shutdown? Why? We don’t choose our limitations, but society berates us for them.

An autistic individual will soon see that those social conventions are arbitrary. If these conventions are arbitrary, then what about that convention held by some folks that a couple has to be heterosexual, or that monogamy is the only model, or that a woman’s place is in the kitchen, or that there are only two genders, fixed at birth, and so on.

These will also look arbitrary. In addition to the characteristics I mentioned above about myself, I’m also queer, polyamorous, nonbinary, etc. I don’t generally get into trouble with autistic folks about these differences from the norm.

Thus, autistic people tend to be welcoming of difference. They do not give grief to queer folks, polyamorous folks, people who don’t follow the gender norms that others want to impose, and so on. Society called you a girl when you were born, but you feel like a man? Who are we to tell you that you are wrong?

I’ll note here that some of us are capable of falling prey to those social conventions that the majority of autistic folks see as arbitrary. These individuals will espouse some social conventions extremely, most likely to be able to fit with the group that promotes those conventions. They want to impose the conventions they’ve adopted for themselves on everyone. This does happen, but it is not the majority.

The majority of autistic folks are tolerant. Even when they do adopt some social conventions for themselves, they do not impose those conventions on others. This is the crucial distinction.