Review: The Marketside Five Cheese Pizza Reminds Me Of India

I review here the Marketside Five Cheese Pizza.

Once in a blue moon, there comes in a man’s life a pizza so peculiar that it calls for, nay, it demands a review. The Marketside Five Cheese Pizza is such a pizza. I bought it at Walmart, together with the rest of my groceries. I figured I’d save the money from having a pizza delivered to my apartment.

Now, let me take you back in time. Back to the time when I was living in India in order to study Sanskrit. While I was there, I feasted on all manners of Indian food: dosas, uttapams, palak paneer, chana masala. You name it. However, once in a while I had a hankering for pizza.

So one night, my roommate and I went out to a local restaurant and ordered pizza. We waited in anticipation for our pizza. We dreamed about it. After a short delay, it finally arrived, ready for us to eat it. We cut it into pieces, then we shoved the slices in our mouths, only to immediately realize that this pizza, which looked like a pizza, had no taste whatsoever.

We’ll never know the full story, but I suspect the chef saw a pizza in a magazine and tried to reverse engineer it. He was able to replicate the looks of a pizza, but not the taste. For years, this pizza was single-handedly the least flavorful pizza I had tasted.

Until now.

For, you see, I’ve found its counterpart in the Marketside Five Cheese Pizza. Yes, my friends! For the first time in my life, I can eat in my very own apartment, a pizza equal in taste to that Indian pizza of yore. It is like someone took that Indian pizza, put it in a photocopier, and out came the Marketside pizza.

Is it edible? Yes, it is, but that’s pretty much the only thing it has going for it. Well, this and the price. I paid $5.97 for my pizza, which compares very favorably with getting delivery. However, this pizza tastes like nothing, which is definitely worse than getting delivery. It is also oily.

The upshot:

• Did I save money? Yes.
• Is it edible? Yes.
• Is it oily? Yes.
• Is it flavorful? Hell, no!

I’m never going to buy this pizza again. I know there are better pizzas I can get at the store, if and when I want to avoid the price of a delivery.

Live and learn.